A Helpful Proposal

[rlohmann]

Word has reached us here at the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy of unease among Democrats about the public pronouncements of Dr. Howard Dean, noted advocate of strong views. Some Democrats are even suggesting that Dr. Dean be muzzled.

We are shocked--shocked--at this, so much so that only our natural reserve forestalls our jumping on top of Michael Jackson's SUV, doing a dance, and proclaiming a "Free Speech Movement" on Dr. Dean's behalf.

We are more sorrowed than angered at the commotion. After all, the Democrats, the party that took Jimmy Carter from the peanut farm to the White House (and was compelled to give him back four years later), and followed that achievement by giving the Republic the extraordinary W.J. Clinton (a former law professor who, it is said, cannot go back to Arkansas at all) has fallen on hard times. Having lost two presidential elections and been relegated to the cheap seats in the Legislature, the Democrats need all the help they can get.

Not only that, but their Joan of Illinois/Arkansas/New York, Hillary Clinton, has insisted that she is not interested in running for president; that her only ambition is to serve humbly the people of New York in her accustomed Mother-Teresa mode. (Of course, since Hillary said that, it must be true. After all, would Hillary lie]?)

At any rate, saddened by this turmoil off to the left, we respectfully offer the Democrats a solution tailored to both individuals and events:a ticket of Howard-and/und-Gerd in ought-six.

Dr. Dean's assertions have caused concern only to low-level Democrats. More exalted ones--Nancy Pelosi comes to mind--have praised them. He must therefore lead the Democratic ticket. As vice-presidential candidate, however, we propose none other than German Chancellor Gerhard Schröder.

Mr. Schröder has long been a Democrat sympathizer. He supports government control of everything, higher taxes, and an eagerness to allow labor unions to dictate economic policy. Since the German electorate has graciously arranged for his early retirement, he will soon be available for other employment.

Mr. Schröder would be the natural running mate for Dr. Dean. (It is true that Mr. Schröder doesn't speak English, although rumors that he doesn't speak German either are somewhat exaggerated. However since Dr. Dean would do all the talking, that wouldn't matter.)

We appreciate this opportunity to offer assistance.

Sleep Well Tonight--
Your Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy is Awake!